I haven’t been the same ever since you left me.
You receive this random text. You are worried for her. Your immediate reaction would be to text her back. You text her – What’s wrong?
Suddenly, you feel this weird sensation in the bottom of your stomach, you feel as if you want to get back with her again, you think – what if? What if they changed??
Ladies and gentlemen, this man/woman here, has just become a victim of their manipulative narcissist ex’s hoovering!
What is Hoovering?
It is basically narcissism, but “Hoovering” is what the Gen-Z and Millennials call it. It is based on the popular vacuum-cleaner brand “Hoover”, which makes sense because these narcissistic humans create an inevitable vacuum and suck you right back into their lives – also because they treat you like, spoilers, dirt.
It’s when your narcissistic ex makes an attempt to come back into your small narcissistic abuse-free world, without you knowing it. Since you are an emotional fool – you think they have changed their abusive narcissist way for good. They will try to take you through a guilt trip, abuse you, you might even hear a few threats or make you feel like YOU are the reason for whatever state they are in.
Some scenarios where they can hoover you:
Scene #1
You have finally moved on from your relationship and are finally going upwards in your life. You have finally forgotten about your ex but one evening, on Valentine’s Day, you see a bouquet of your favorite flowers at your front door with a letter saying – “Beautiful Flowers for the Beautiful Lady. Love You “.
You sense he has changed for the better, is regretting all his prior mistakes, and is ready to turn over a new leaf.
Scene #2
You are working at your office, and answer a phone call from the reception saying you have a bunch of gifts left by a man. You go and collect them. But didn’t open, because you know it was from her. You take them home; you were distracted the whole day thinking about them. You finally give in and open the gifts – they are expensive!
You feel like she has finally stopped being the abusive gold-digger she was, and you want to get back into the relationship.
Scene #3
You see your ex outside your front door. You miss the times you spent together. You go outside, he apologizes for everything. You blame him for everything, he accepts all the blame. You start crying, you start remembering how it was before you became the victim of an abusive relationship. You start crying on his shoulder.
In all the above cases you have been hoovered. You have been sucked into their traps. You will be facing the same emotional abuse as you were facing before. Your ex might have been good to you at the start, but this time it will start all over again, the problems, the toxicity, the abuse – but much much faster.
Why do they want to suck you back?
These narcissists will attempt to suck you back into abusive relationships. They will abuse you, guilt shame you, make you pity them, use threats, they may even shower you with presents, etc. – just to get their supply of narcissistic fuel. Don’t mistake their continuous supply of sweet messages as something as naïve as them loving you – no no no, they don’t love anyone but themselves.
The person does it because he/she wants something in return. That something can be attention, money, validation, sex; it can be anything.
These people do it because they fear they might become irrelevant; they fear the thought of getting no attention or validation. This is a personality disorder, with its cure being attention. Just like addicts getting withdrawals without their shot of drugs, they also have withdrawal symptoms of sorts.
They need attention at all costs. Just like a hungry predator that manipulates its food, the narcissist will also manipulate you into thinking that you need them, can’t live without them. You are wrong if you think so!
They don’t care about you; they are doing it for themselves. They don’t care what happens to you after they get what they wanted. They will discard you like a pen after they have gotten the full use out of you. To them, you are just a random piece of meat ready to fulfill their desires, all they have to do is manipulate you.
Chances are, you aren’t the only victim of their abuse, meaning there are more exes than you can imagine – exes they didn’t tell you about when you were “discussing your previous relationships”. And so the cycle continues.
Does it feel like your partner is hoovering you or might hoover you?
Are you facing emotional & narcissistic abuse?
Remember, hoovering usually in most cases happens after a relationship has been ended – be it days, weeks, months, or years. But this doesn’t mean if your ex is still wanting to get back with you, he’s hoovering you or being an abusive narcissist.
Not necessarily!
You must be careful and honest about your relationship –
Is our relationship over?
Though, you have continuously told them to stop coming into your life even though the relationship was over – they will not hear you. Shock! That is what narcissists do. They will not leave you alone even though you have basically ended it. They are basically like a pimple that appears annoyingly at the most important times in your life.
They will have their personal essentials in your house – kind of marking their territory in YOUR OWN HOUSE. They will make it very awkward for you to tell them to leave your house – because now he has been so nice that you have started to feel bad for them at this point.
I love you to the moon and back.
They will say that their love for you is immense and would need astronomical descriptions to gauge their love. Even though it is cringe and cliched, you probably will melt after hearing this. Since what they say is what you want to hear.
They will make sure you are warmed up before they “propose” to you. They will make sure they set you up for it before they make the move – like send the sweetest of messages through calls. They will make sure the proposal is something out of a Disney princess book.
They might use sentences like:
- After being broken up with you, I didn’t just lose a lover but also my only support in this cruel world.
- Spending life without you isn’t fun.
- Let me be the mental support you need in this world.
They will use some of the cheesiest of lines. Don’t let the narcissists control you!
I saw it and thought you’d suit it.
Get ready to be showered with gifts! You might receive some of the most expensive gifts in your life at this point in your “relationship”. You will be surprised as to how the miser spent so much money on you without expecting anything back! All he is going to want from you is your love – and your mental health.
You might think that if they are spending so much money on you, they are ready to commit and have changed. You are being naïve if you think that! And that’s probably why they might have chosen you as their victim to fill up their narcissistic fuel tank.
Don’t be fooled by the gifts, don’t let them control you!
Both of you looked so good together!
The narcissist will try hoovering you via someone, someone close to you – like your parents, mutual friends, your children, etc. They might continue being in contact with your parents and keep on doing favors for them without them realizing the narcissist he/she is. Your parents might feel like you might have made a mistake by ending the relationship with them. This might even sway you since our parents know better, and since he/she has entered your parents’ lives, they have been happier. Don’t bother with them, manipulation isn’t something new for them.
Similarly, with your friends and kids. They might maintain that being away from you was the biggest mistake of their life. They will manage to convince your friend circle that they deserve a second chance.
But you know better! Don’t falter!
Even with your kids, there wouldn’t be even a tiny bit of remorse for using your kids to give messages to you, since you won’t speak to him directly. They will use all kinds of manipulation techniques, to go through to you – even if it means using kids!
I have changed for the better, I promise.
He/she will be apologizing to you a lot. They will be apologizing for mistakes they did during your relationship. They will make sure the people watching call them the victim.
You might even start to convince yourself that he/she has changed for the better, and won’t repeat the mistakes of the past.
Firstly, no – they will be repeating those mistakes and will make them even sooner. Secondly, they never saw it as a mistake in the first place – for them, it was natural to do so. The sooner you learn about these personality disorders, the better. The disorder is such that, they can never see themselves making a mistake rather will try to prove what they did was always the right thing to do.
So, expect at some point from them a repeat of the past and then even justifying it!
It’s because of you that I am broke and suicidal!
They will claim that because of you they are facing mental health problems – and obviously, they aren’t, but they do need your undivided attention. They will claim to be the victim of abuse, even though it was you who was getting the abuse. They will spread false rumors about you. They might say things that aren’t true, but to the public eye, he is facing a mental health problem, and it’s because of YOU were toxic. The people around you will start blaming you for his plight, and you might think that the only solution for it is to take him in your care – a relationship.
Don’t bother with their behavior! You know they are playing the victim card!
By doing that you have been sucked right into the vacuum created by them – by hoovering. He has just finessed your entire friend circle, into making you go back into a relationship with him. By doing that, you have just given him/her the biggest high they have ever felt. They might go even further and extreme next time. You might think that considering your pain greater than his/her was selfish.
NO! It wasn’t.
Their behavior was such that it made you feel guilty for something you never did. They made you trivialize your own pain. Don’t give him/her the satisfaction of finding themselves a new target – a victim.
I am saying this for your own good
They will try to jeopardize what you care about the most. These narcissists will dish out a continuous cycle of emotional abuse. If you are happy with your career, they will name one of your colleagues saying that they are better than you in what you do. If you care about children, they will make you think that you are not a good parent. If you are happy with how you look, they will even ridicule you on that as well. Also, they won’t be blunt with it, they will sugar-coat it by saying – it’s for your own good, I care about them just as much as you if not more.
Don’t worry they aren’t as heartless as to not tell you about the solution for the problems they have presented you with.
The solution is them! Yup.
I mean, come on! What did you expect? Obviously, the solution was going to be them. If you are convinced that they are the solution, they will make sure that the lies they told you turn into truth, because by doing that they have essentially guaranteed themselves a longer attention span from you towards them. You would basically be dependent on them. This kind of hoovering is the worst since it takes away the one thing in your life that you cared about the most.
Strongly Recommended: 6 Signs that She is moving towards a Breakup!
Diagnosis of the Narcissist
Be aware when a person is hoovering you because before you realize it you have become a victim of their narcissistic abuse – it will break you completely. These narcissists don’t just break you but also the people who support you, both family and friends – they won’t be able to bear the broken mess that you become.
But this doesn’t mean that everyone who makes an attempt to try and get you back is trying to hoover you. It depends if prior to this, you had an abusive relationship with them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t do it. Keep an eye on them for such signs. Remember, none are better than them at playing the victim card, even though YOU are the victim.
Once you know it was a false pretense – block the narcissist on all of your socials. Since there is NO medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment you can suggest. Do not respond to their messages and phone calls, if you do respond – make sure they know your decision, and delete their contact.
If there are kids involved – then share your mail id and monitor it. You wouldn’t want to see your precious kids get affected by this manipulative and abusive person. If not, then make sure you don’t get to see his/her face anywhere around you.
